Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood. One day, her mum said, “Please can you go upstairs and give this tray of toasted soldiers, extra-strong pain killers and a pint of squash to your dad? He has a cold.”
Little Red Riding Hood thought this was strange, as everyone else in the house was poorly too, but wasn’t getting anywhere near as much attention, but, being a good little girl, she did as she was told. She was on her way, when she spotted a large, dishevelled creature wearing little boys’ pyjamas, chuckling at something he was reading on his phone. Upon seeing Little Red Riding Hood, the creature spontaneously burst into a fit of coughs, seamlessly pulled out a tissue from his sleeve and held it to his nose, before hobbling into the bedroom like Quasimodo.
Little Red Riding Hood knocked on the door.
“Come in, dear,” came the frail sounding reply.
Little Red Riding Hood placed the tray at the foot of the bed and then examined the creature in the bed, soon realising it was her dad.
“Daddy, what big eyes you have!”
“All the better for rolling them at your mum while I’m sulking and feeling sorry for myself, my dear.”
“Daddy, what a big nose you have!”
“All the better to sniff with every time someone tries to talk to me, just in case they don’t realise how ill I am, my dear.”
“Daddy, what big ears you have!”
“All the better to hear everything that’s going on, but pretend that I am so ill that I have no idea about anything that is being said or done, my dear”
“Daddy, what big hands you have!”
“All the better to check my ‘swollen glands’ every five minutes, my dear.”
“And Daddy, what big teeth you have!”
“All the better for reluctantly chewing on food that was made at my request, so I can feel hard done by when it doesn’t taste as good as when my mum makes it, my dear.”
And with that, Little Red Riding Hood’s furious mother barged into the room, red in the face and out of breath.
“Mama, what a big axe you have!”
“All the better to cut off your dad’s man bits once he actually finds them, my dear.”