This is based on Julia Donaldson’s book The Smeds and The Smoos and my version of what would happen to them during this lockdown.
By a cordoned off park on an infected planet,
There lived a young Smed
And her name was Janet.
Not far away on a stockpiled hill,
There lived a young Smoo
By the name of Bill.
Janet like all the other Smeds was red
And this is what her grandfather said:
“Never, never go near the Smoos
They stay in pyjamas and don’t watch the news
so they stand too close in supermarket queues.
Never, never play with the Smoos!
Bill, like the other Smoos, was blue
and these were the words of Granny Smoo:
“Never, never go near the Smeds
They think they’re clever because of Facebook posts they’ve read,
but I saw one buying 3 loaves of bread!
Never, never play with a Smed!
The Smeds always stayed indoors and liked nothing better.
They cheered when they received Boris Johnson’s letter.
But Janet grew bored with forced-fun and play
And, before the acrylics came out, she tiptoed away.
The Smoos jumped about on their stockpiled hill
and swam around in loo roll, hand wash and pills,
but Bill was beginning to think it was boring:
“There must be more to life than hoarding!”
Janet met Bill in an abandoned wood.
Expecting to find sunbathers, alone they stood.
The two tapped elbows and then fell in love:
She fluttered her face mask; he flexed his gloves.
Until who should disturb them but Grandfather Smed.
Shaking some hand gel, he angrily said:
“Never, never go near a Smoo!
Does social distancing mean nothing to you?
Your face mask only got a one star review!
Never, never go near a Smoo!”
Granny Smoo stood two metres behind
(She didn’t want to risk being fined):
“Never never play with a Smed!
Can you not see her blotchy spots of red?
Goodness knows what germs they spread!
Never, never go near a Smed!”
Months went by on the infected planet.
Janet missed Bill and Bill missed Janet.
And like something out of a film from Bollywood,
they met in secret whenever they could.
The two of them soon decided to wed,
but what do you think their grandparents said?
“You could never, never marry a Smoo!
It will be just two witnesses and you!
We’ll have to watch a live-stream view!
You’ll never never marry a Smoo!”
“You can’t possibly marry a Smed!
Where would you do it? In their rainbow-painted shed?
With a registrar wearing a plastic guard over her head?
You’re never never going to marry a smed!”
Janet and Bill stole out late at night
So their neighbours couldn’t report them if they caught sight
of them leaving the house twice in the same day
because they were planning to run away!
When the families awoke and discovered their plans,
they set off to find them, but not before washing their hands.
The Smeds said, “Your Bill must have stolen our Janet!
Isn’t it enough that you have a year’s supply of pomegranate?”
The Smoos said, “It’s Janet who’s stolen our Bill!
We’d arranged for him to marry his second-cousin Gill!”
They immediately set off to search high and low,
getting spooked every time someone sneezed into their elbow.
Suspicious and scowling, they would always tut
At others walking by: “Why can’t people just stay put?”
“Don’t they know how many people have died?”
“We are the only ones with good reason to be outside!”
But they soon discovered it wasn’t just treason.
Most people did have a good reason.
Some had to work, others needed to try
to check on the vulnerable to see how they were getting by.
They searched and searched but eventually decided home they should dash.
The Smeds were missing their rainbows; the Smoos their great stash.
They realised all everyone wanted was for an end to this unpleasant mess,
but in the meantime, they needed to support each other and our wonderful NHS.
The Smeds saw everyone was suffering on the infected planet
and were delighted to be offered half the Smoo’s pomegranate,
but just as the disinfectant appeared, who should they see but Bill and Janet!
There was joy, there was laughter – they were jumping with glee.
Then Janet said, “I’ve brought something special back with me…”
Expecting a new arrival, the families held their breath nervously,
but what they got was even better….