For some time now, my Facebook newsfeed has been flooded with people doing make-up tutorials.
I’ve had mixed feelings about this.
To begin with, all I could think was, ‘Are they actually going somewhere? What kind of occasion would justify that much effort? Insulated walls have fewer layers! WTF kind of black magic is contouring? How does making yourself look like you’re about to break into some remote, tribal dance give you high cheekbones? The binned wipes that have removed make-up on them are probably worth more than my house!’
However, I have to say, I have warmed to them. Painting yourself like a zebra really does give you nice cheekbones and they make it look so easy. I’ve always been a simple eyeliner and lipstick girl and, that too, only on a special occasion but I was seduced by these tutorials.
They drew me in like one of those Facebook adverts that make every product seem remarkable and revolutionary instead of the pound shop tat that they actually are.
You know, like the ones that show completely hairless people applying hair removal cream to show you how quick and effective their hair removal cream is because it doesn’t induce instant hair growth on hairless people who are actually only hairless because they used a razor to remove their hair and not the hair removal cream that’s being advertised.
Or the ones that promise instant thinness by taking various lotions, potions and pills and tell you that ’99/100 people saw a difference within a day’, but fail to mention that ’99/100′ is actually a projection because they only asked 2 people and only 1 of those noticed a difference and even then she wasn’t sure if it was because she initially weighed herself after having a takeaway and then again the next day after recovering from the diarrhea said takeaway caused.
The ‘discreet’ nose strips to help with snoring that turn out to look like a speculum for your nostrils, the serum that makes your eyelashes grow but only while you’re wearing false ones and the ‘automatic’ machinery that ONLY requires you to pour things into it/wipe things off it/remove things from it/spend 20 minutes hovering over it ect ect.
Anyway, I digress….
Inspired by these glamorous visions, I purchased some liquid foundation and a brush as I believed these were the necessary construction tools one must acquire to make one appear to be partially ‘on fleek’.
Unfortunately, I fell at this first hurdle.
The £1 foundation that I bought took 4 weeks to arrive because it came from China (I bought it after seeing a Facebook advert) and ended up being completely the wrong colour.
The brushes didn’t turn out to be the way I expected either…
Now, I know that I am a long way off having the lofty and prestigious MUA initials at the end of my name, but something tells me these ones I bought from Amazon aren’t quite right…

In my defence, I did not see the picture of someone using a brush around a light switch. I’d like to think even I would have worked out that I was buying the wrong type of brush then… But, then again, in the words of hazrat Sherlock Holmes, “There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.”