I have struggled with my weight for quite some time now. Perhaps the term ‘struggled’ is misleading. What I mean is that, for years now, I have consistently eaten far more than I need to, eaten foods that contain my weight in sugar and my idea of exercise has been walking to the fish and chip shop.  I then ‘struggle’ to come to terms with the number that comes up on the scales.

 

Historically, I was slim; skinny, in fact. It’s not because my diet was any better  and I have always had a big appetite– I could just eat what I wanted and never gained weight… What an utterly annoying bastard I was!

But then I got older, I became less active, my metabolism slowed down and I have mental images of my insides exploding due to them being overfilled and kebabs leaking out of the seams, which is what has caused all the lumps and bumps.

It’s something that has got worse since my daughter started nursery. She goes for three hours a day and my boy is usually asleep for a lot of that time. This then becomes the only time in the day when I can watch a little TV, not have to hide behind the sofa to eat chocolate and/or eat a meal in peace where I don’t have to keep getting up to fetch things, mop up spills, have little fingers in my food because the food in my plate is better even though it’s exactly the same as theirs or have to stop to pick out anything with any colour. The other day, I had to remove what turned out to be a mostly eaten chip from my daughter’s plate because it looked too much like sweetcorn. It’s the only time of day when I actually get to enjoy my food so, naturally, I end up eating the entire time!

I have tried to lose weight countless times, whereby I strive to eliminate sugary and fatty foods, find alternatives to unhealthy snacks and eat my five-a-day.  The problem with eating this way is that is not enjoyable. I don’t mind eating  a salad for lunch or having a grilled piece of meat with a side of vegetables for dinner, but it means that I am simply eating so that there is something in my stomach and there is no pleasure in it because, essentially, you’re eating the type of food they throw to the monkeys at the zoo.

I can usually maintain it for about five weeks, but I don’t lose much weight in that time, then end up getting frustrated and eventually allow bad habits to slowly creep in. For the past few years now, my life has been a continuous cycle of losing four pounds and subsequently gaining six.

The thing is, I’ve never been massively concerned about losing weight. Partly because I am tall so I can carry it better than most, partly because I wear shapeless clothes so other people don’t notice as much and partly because the picture I have of myself in my head clearly uses a Snapchat filter and never looks that bad.

However, I made a horrible discovery the other week when I weighed myself and realised that I was the same weight that I had been at the end of  my pregnancy with my daughter. To put that into context, the extra fat that I was carrying around has the equivalent weight of a small human in a sack of water.

I was determined to make a lasting change this time so, rather than cutting everything out, I would introduce a number of small changes to my diet over a long period of time and still allow myself the occasional treat so I’m not just eating monkey food all the time.

Also, unlike my previous attempts, I had decided that I would incorporate regular exercise. I had always been quite active growing up so there was no reason I couldn’t be like that again. Well, the baby in the sack may make things a little more difficult, but we’ll put that issue to one side for now.

In a bid to include exercise in my daily routine, something that my previous weight loss attempts had been lacking, I bought a zumba DVD and decided that I would go for a jog along the nearby canal every day. The zumba part was fine, apart from the first day I tried it. After not having done any rigorous exercise since I’d had my children, I was unable to move my legs for quite some time afterwards. But I actually quite enjoy it now.

The jogging part was a little more difficult.  For those of you that know me personally, I’m sure the thought of me jogging has produced some hilarious mental images, and so it should! For a start, what does someone like me wear to go jogging? Why, my husband’s trainers, tracksuit bottoms and a hoody fastened tightly around my head so I don’t have to wear a scarf, of course.

There were just a few small problem with this. The first day I went jogging, it was 24 degrees outside and I was already sweating by the time I got to the canal. Actually,  I was sweating by the time my husband had finished laughing at what I was wearing.

Next,  I had recently watched a video posted on Facebook of a Muslim man, wearing multiple layers of clothing, being publicly handcuffed and searched because he had been running to the mosque, as he was late for Friday prayers, and someone had called 999, reporting a potential terrorist.

Aware that I too probably looked like a man wearing multiple layers, and not wanting this to happen to me, not least because there was a old, funsized Bounty in the pocket  of my jogging bottoms that would make them doubt my explanation as to why I was running, as well as question my housekeeping, I tried to compensate by smiling at everyone that went passed.

However, I hadn’t taken into account that I was incredibly hot due to wearing winter clothes whilst jogging in summer heat, that my face had turned purple, that I was incredibly unfit and felt like I was going to die about three minutes into it and that, bearing all this in mind, my attempted smile probably gave the impression that I was having a stroke. Forget the police, I’m surprised that no one called me an ambulance!

In the end, I only jogged when I saw someone coming and walked the rest of the time. I even pretended to be out of breath a couple of times.

I’ve always been someone that’s never cared about what other people think of the way I look, but having a little more of me on display than usual made me feel a little more insecure. I jogged when I saw someone coming because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was out of shape and doing something out of the ordinary… because it’s not like the baby in the sack would have given that away(!) Even then I was paranoid that people were laughing at me.

It took me a few days to overcome this and think, Yes, I am overweight, but I am doing something about it and if someone finds that funny, they are welcome to laugh because I am not doing it for their benefit!

I should probably mention that if you are planning to start jogging, it’s probably best to plan the route you’re going to take. I had just said that I would go the distance of the canal, not realising that it is called the Leeds Liverpool Canal because it goes from Leeds to Liverpool! I had been ‘jogging’ for almost 3 miles before I realised that it wasn’t going to end anytime soon and then had to make the long journey back.

If you’re wondering how it’s going, I kept it up until I injured me knee, which I continued to ignore  until the pain became so unbearable that I couldn’t even walk on it. In hindsight, I probably pushed myself too hard and put too much pressure on my body especially given how heavy I was. I fully intend to resume once I have recovered, albeit at a gentler pace but… damn that baby in the sack!

An alternative take on Julia Donaldson’s The Gruffalo, featuring all the things that turn us mamas into angry monsters.

 

A child took a stroll, throwing everything he could,
A dad saw the child while not doing what he should.

“Where are you going to, small, messy child?
Let’s play catch close to where these dishes are piled.”
“It’s terribly kind of you, Dad, but no –
I’m going to play with the Mamalo.”
“The Mamalo? What’s a Mamalo?”
“A Mamalo! Why, didn’t you know?”

“She’s easily irritated
And she’s always hot,
And when things aren’t done,
she shouts a lot.”

“Where is she now?”
“Complaining about your thoughtlessness on the phone,
Threatening to break a part of you that is without a bone!”
“The part without a bone? I’d better be on guard.
I wonder if I should play the ‘I’ve been at work, unlike you, all day’ card.

“Silly old Dad! Doesn’t he know,
There’s no such thing as a Mamalo?”

On went the child, throwing everything he could,
An older sibling saw the child while not doing what she should.

“Where are you going to, little bro? Watch where you tread!
Let’s ignore the mess I’ve made and watch YouTube instead.”
“That’s frightfully nice of you, sis, but no –
I’m going to sit with the Mamalo.”
“The Mamalo? What’s a Mamalo?”
“A Mamalo! Why, didn’t you know?”

“Messy rooms make her stomp,
shaking the fat on her thighs,
She’s strong enough to carry eight heavy bags,
Including the two under her eyes!”

“Where is she now?”
“Pulling the head off a Barbie,
While making a plan to cancel your party.”
“Cancel my party? I’ll tidy the Megablocks,
But first I’ll finish watching someone take a toy out of a box.”

“Silly old Sis! Doesn’t she know,
There’s no such thing as a Mamalo?”

On went the child, throwing everything he could.
The TV caught his attention, the way it should.

“Hey, you old fart! Life insurance you should buy,
So you don’t burden others when you selfishly die!”
“That’s wonderfully good of you, TV, but no –
I’ll be sure to tell the Mamalo though.”
“The Mamalo? What’s a Mamalo?”
“A Mamalo! Why, didn’t you know?”

“She’s extremely tall,
Her tummy wobbles like jelly,
When it shows things she dislikes,
She swears at the telly.”

“Where is she now?”
“Sitting on the toilet and I spied
Her angrily flicking through the TV Guide.”
“A TV guide? Who still uses those?
Oh dear! She’ll have spotted all the scheduled Muslim documentary shows.”

“Silly old TV! Doesn’t it know,
There’s no such thing as a Mamal…

…Oh!”
But who is this creature who’s flustered and hot?
Her voice is hoarse because she’s been shouting a lot,
She’s stomping and wobbling and has bags under her eyes;

Upon seeing all the mess, she huffs and she sighs.

She’s tall and her tummy wobbles like jelly,
She’s mumbling swearwords now she seen what’s on telly.

“Oh help! Oh no!
It’s a Mamalo!”

“Let’s get changed,” the Mamalo said.
“It’s time for you to go to bed.”
“Maybe later, but before I do,
I want you to see I’m in charge of all you.
Just walk behind me and soon you’ll see,
I can get anyone to listen to me.”
“All right,” said the Mamalo, bursting with laughter.
“You go ahead and I’ll follow after.”

They walked and walked till the Mamalo said,
“I hear the moron with the spotty bag ahead.”
“It’s the TV,” said the child. “Why, TV, hello!”
The TV took one look at the Mamalo.
“Switching off due to inaction,” was the message it showed,
And, quick as a flash, went into standby mode.

“You see?” said the child. “I told you so.”
“Amazing!” said the Mamalo!

They walked some more till the Mamalo said,
“I hear talk of mashems and fashems ahead.”
“It’s Big Sister,” said the child. “Why, sis, hello!”
His sister took one look at the Mamalo.
“Goodbye, YouTube! Time to call it a day!”
And she quickly began to put her blocks away.

“You see?” said the child. “I told you so.”
“Astounding!” said the Mamalo.

They walked some more till the Mamalo said,
“I hear the rustling of a crisp packet ahead.”
“It’s Dad,” said the child. “Why, Dad, hello!”
Dad took one look at the Mamalo.
“I’m going! I’m going!” Dad said, against his wishes,
And reluctantly picked up his dirty dishes.”

“Well, Mamalo,” said the child. “You see?
Everybody listens to me!
Now if there is something that you’d like me to do,
It will cost you a chocolate biscuit or two.”
“A chocolate biscuit? That’s a small price to pay,
If it means you’ll go to bed when I say.”

The house went quiet and all because
The child got his own way, like he always does.

 

 

 

In an era of satellite navigation, no one under the age of 50 really ever uses maps anymore and many of us wouldn’t even know how to, should the need arise.

The other day, while I was at a local orienteering event with the kids at the National Trust garden close to where we live, I looked around and was amused by the gender stereotypical, almost cartoon-like, behaviours of some of the mums and dads.

One particular mum was clearly flustered and couldn’t seem to determine which way around the map should be held, before her irritated husband snatched the map off her and, without even looking at it, confidently led his family away in the wrong direction.

If you’re wondering how I fared, I took one look at the task sheet and then gave it one of the event organisers, telling her that I only brought the kids to feed the ducks and didn’t have enough time, otherwise I would have loved to join in. However, the event did remind me of an incident that took place in my youth.

Back in the day, I used to have enviable career prospects and worked in the highbrow establishment that is Primark. During the wintery evenings, when I would walk home in the dark, for a few weeks I kept coming across the same aging gentleman who would be sitting in his car, and would ask me to look at his map and give him directions to local points of interest that were close by.

Given that I could never even determine where we were on the map, I would always proceed by giving verbal directions whilst waving my arms and pointing at landmarks that couldn’t actually be seen from where we were standing. (FYI, I have a comically bad sense of direction. One of the students that I tutor lives about 2 miles away from me and the journey is mainly one straight road with only two turns to take, yet I had been tutoring him every week for almost two months before I felt that I knew the route well enough to not use my TomTom.)

This kept happening, every few days for a couple of weeks. I did think it was strange that he always insisted that I point things out on the map he had, even when the locations that he was seeking were always so close to where we were, and sometimes they were literally around the corner, but I quietly congratulated myself on how my direction-giving skills must be exceptional and thought nothing much of it.

On one particular evening, I had spotted the man’s car from afar and noticed that at least five other people had walked passed him, but he hadn’t asked any of them for directions.

Predictably, when he saw me approaching, he rolled down his window (remember those days?) and asked me. After pointing out that the place he was looking for was just further down the same street, and him still insisting that I show him on the map, being the astute person that I am, I realised that there was something strange about his behaviour and decided I was going to walk away.

As I straightened myself back up after leaning into the car window, my hand knocked down the map and I noticed that the man was holding something that looked like raw meat.

I remember thinking how unhygienic it was to handle raw meat in that way and walked off.

I’d been walking for about half a mile when I saw a poster advertising a portion of chips with a sausage for £1 in a chip shop window and it FINALLY dawned on me that the type of meat the man was handling was unhygienic for altogether different reasons.

He had been exposing himself to me on multiple occasions and I had been so busy showing off my knowledge of the slum streets of the city centre that I hadn’t even noticed.

Not only that, but I had been facilitating his thrills by pointing things out on the map and had continued to do this on no less than 6 separate occasions! What’s worse is that, despite him targeting me before, I greeted him with a smile and enthusiastically complied each time!

Part of me thinks he hit the jackpot when he met me and it’s no wonder he didn’t bother stopping anyone else who walked passed him that evening, as I doubt he had ever come across such an accommodating victim.

Another part actually feels a little bad for him. I’m guessing that men who expose their bits to women do so for the instant gratification they receive upon seeing the victim’s reaction. This poor chap had to wait two weeks for me for me to even see it and, even then, it wasn’t until I was half way home and saw a picture of a photoshopped banger that I realised what it was. What an incredibly arduous process it turned out to be for him!

PS: You may well laugh, but you should also know that it is not easy being me!

There was a time where the parental advice people shared was based on a combination of experience and old wives tales. The advent of social media and smart phones now means that ‘expert’ advice is readily available and enables people to feel that they are an authority on any given topic.

While much of the advice offered to mums has a sound logic basis (although not always) and seems to work for many people, often the reality just doesn’t live up to the theory.

 

1)“Get all the rest you can now, you’ll need it when the baby is born”

THEORY: Stocking up your energy reserves during pregnancy will help you cope with the tiredness of looking after a newborn.

REALITY: Your back hurts, your pelvis hurts, your stomach hurts, your ribs are being crushed and you get heartburn every time you lie down, how exactly are you supposed to rest? Even if you are one of the lucky ones who are unaffected by these ailments during pregnancy, even if you manage to sleep for the entire nine months, it will count for absolutely nothing when you are getting up every two hours throughout the night with a newborn. Sleep is not something that can be  saved up and spent during a rainy day. When you are exhausted and sleep deprived, the knowledge that you had once slept for ages is of no comfort to you. In fact, it will just make you hate yourself.

 

2) “Make sure you do your pelvic floor exercises“

THEORY: Doing these exercises for at least eight weeks before and eight weeks after birth will strengthen you pelvic floor muscles.

REALITY: The chances are you will forget to do them beforehand, as you’ve never had to think about bladder control previously. You’ll also feel self-conscious about ever doing them in front of anyone else even though they won’t actually know what you are doing unless you tell them. After birth, you will not be friends with that region of your body for some time and will not want to do anything that engages with it.

The result of this will be a weak bladder, which will get considerably weaker with each child you have and will mean an impromptu visit to a trampoline park with the kids will leave you wishing you had invested in some Tenor Lady. Not that that’s ever happened to me, of course!

DO YOUR PELVIC  FLOOR EXERCISES!!!!!!

 

3) “Let them just cry it out.”

THEORY: When you are trying to get the baby to sleep, leave them to fall asleep on their own. If they cry, periodically check that they are okay but do not pick them up, talk or make eye contact with them. Your baby will soon learn to sleep and/or settle themselves and you will be free to dance around the living room dressed as Wonder Woman should you wish to do so.

REALITY: Rather than getting on with other things, you will spend the entire time that your baby is learning to ‘self-soothe’ anxiously pacing up and down the hallway. You will experience the highs and lows that are experienced by someone on recreational drugs. There will be a sense of absolute euphoria every time they go quiet for some time; You’ll congratulate yourself on how you’ve become an authority on sleep training and even imagine yourself giving advice to others, and maybe even writing a best-selling guide.

This will be followed by complete devastation when they eventually  cry hysterically for a prolonged time that will cause you to sit in a corner rocking back and forth whilst developing irrational fears that the child will cough, vomit and choke, fall and become unconscious even though they are in a cot and have nowhere to go and/or be abducted and you will go to prison for facilitating it.

I know this method  works for some people, and that’s great for them, but you’ve got to be pretty ballsy to ignore a baby’s cry for any significant amount of time. Unless you fully believe this will work, and you’re determined see it through every time, it’s not going to. If it doesn’t feel right to you, just don’t do it – it’s not for everyone.

 

4) “Don’t pick them up too much or they will get spoilt.”

THEORY: If you hold a child all the time, they will get used to being carried and will never let you do anything. They will cry to be picked up and this will make your life difficult. Make sure they are fed, changed and winded, and then leave them to amuse themselves.

REALITY: If you are a first-time-mum, you will hover over the baby like I hover over a buffet table at a party and pick them up if they do so much as yawn. You will stare at them while they are asleep, think about how adorable they are and wait for them to make the slightest sound so you have an excuse to hold them. You will instantly regret it when no amount of holding, singing and rocking will console them because you disturbed their sleep, but you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for wanting to be close to your child; it’s called love!

Also, the idea that a newborn can cry just to manipulate you into doing what it wants is akin to Donald Trump thinking that he can make the Mexican president pay for a wall that he neither wants nor benefits from. Your newborn does not know its arse from its elbow; in fact, it doesn’t even know that it has an arse and an elbow. So, unless the father of your baby is Vladimir Putin, the chances are that your baby is not an evil dictator and is not deliberately making you do anything.

And as for making your life difficult….Well, we all need a role in life!

 

5) “It’s probably just a phase/growth spurt/teething”

THEORY: If your otherwise good natured baby has suddenly started to display the characteristics of someone possessed by demons and there are no obvious signs of illness, the chances are that they are experiencing one of the above.

REALITY: You will worry that every rash that appears could be meningitis, every cough could be symptomatic of tuberculosis and any new mark you find could be the beginning of Hand Foot and Mouth Disease.

I’m exaggerating, of course. While you initially may fear that there could be something seriously wrong, you will have plenty of time to Google things while you are up all night trying to comfort them and you will probably come to the conclusion that it is one the above yourself.

It’s still exhausting though and people telling you that, ‘it’s probably just a growth spurt’ may still annoy you because it generally means that they’re not acknowledging how difficult and tiring it is to deal with it. Knowing that the misery will end eventually doesn’t make it easier to deal with now.

 

6) “They should be crawling/walking/talking by now.”

THEORY: There are certain ages by which babies should crawl, walk and talk. If not, your child must one of the ‘special’ ones i.e. slow.

REALITY: The baby apps, books, leaflets and websites tell you the ages babies COULD start reaching certain milestones, but they often fail to mention that very few actually do at that age. Also, while most people will ask you if your baby is doing any of those things out of genuine curiosity, there are always a few that do it as an excuse to mention that their child could walk, talk, self-feed, use the toilet and had enrolled at university by the time they were nine months old.

Naturally, parents are overjoyed at seeing their child doing any of these things for the first time but that joy is often short-lived, as mobile babies are overrated. From the age that they start moving until they reach some awareness of danger, you can’t so much as go to the toilet without imprisoning them in some kind of makeshift vault. And once they start talking, they can start saying no.

Surprisingly enough, statistics and other children’s development mean nothing to your baby as even they recognise that they are completely irrelevant.  They will do things when they are simply ready to do them and no amount of worrying or comparing will help.

Despite being fully aware of this, whenever you see a baby doing something that your baby can’t, it will, ever so slightly, hurt your heart. You will get a little defensive and start reeling off all your baby’s achievements.

When my boy was 9 months, I took him to a baby group and found a 6 month old crawling expertly, while mine was hadn’t even started trying to move. I decided to showcase my son’s only accomplishment and proudly put him on the floor to show how well he could sit. However, it seems I put him in the optimum position to empty his bowels, which he did like a volcano erupting. There is still a lava stain on their rug. Needless to say, no one was impressed by this particular talent.

Serves me right, I know!

 

7) “Cherish every moment from pregnancy onwards .”

THEORY: They’re only young once, they are a blessing and their childhood will be over before you know it, so cherish each and every day.

REALITY: There are some moments that are easy to cherish: When you find out you are pregnant, when you feel the baby move/kick for the first time, when you go for your first scan, when you hold the baby for the first time, when your child does anything new no matter how insignificant or uninteresting it may seem to others, when they reach any milestone in their development, when they say something cute or funny, when you have a really fun day with them etcetera etcetera. But the truth is, other moments aren’t as cherishable.

For example, when you are asked for countless urine samples during pregnancy for which they provide ridiculously tiny bottles, and your belly is so big that you can’t see past it, so you just shove the bottle beneath you and hope for the best, which inevitably results in you pissing on your own hand.

Or when you child is having a tantrum in public, is refusing to eat, refusing to share, refusing to acknowledge your requests to get dressed or your very existence.

Or sometimes you are the one that is making moments uncherishable with your mum rage, which leads you to have spells when you shout for no real reason or massively overreact to things.

Truth be told, not everything is worth cherishing and there are some things you would rather forget.

 

8) “Don’t bribe or threaten your children.”

THEORY: You should find a way to communicate with your child where you reach an understanding that’s based on mutual respect and is considerate of their feelings and desires. They will then recognise that you are fair and are more likely to do as you say because they have been involved in the decision making process. Additionally, you should introduce reward charts whereby they can earn treats when they consistently behave well, rather than reprimanding them when they don’t.

REALITY: While you accept the wisdom behind this method, offering them a Kinder Egg if they do what you tell them to gets things done a lot faster, as does threatening to cancel birthday parties, outings, presents and anything else that may make them happy in the foreseeable future.

They will eventually work out that the threats are empty, particularly if you’ve paid money for something, but you will enjoy living a hedonistic lifestyle while you can and will endeavour to teach them life lessons at a later stage.

You will then have every intention to introduce an intricate rewards chart that will take centre stage on the wall and will be a treat for the eyes.  If you do manage to ever get around to it, you try to make it a meaningful activity that you can enjoy together, but will spend most of the time getting annoyed with them for not sticking things where you asked them and will tell them to go watch TV instead. Both you and they will forget that it’s even there after the first week..

 

9) “Don’t change his nappy too often.”

THEORY: Allowing a baby’s nappy to become completely saturated with urine before changing it will help heal his circumcision.”

(I should point out that this is not generic practise for Muslim boys that have been circumcised, but is specific to the unconventional wisdom of the elders of the strange community that I live in, and is just so batshit crazy that I felt I had to include it.)

REALITY: You realise that allowing your son to develop nappy rash is not going to help heal anything, but you smile and nod when this is suggested to you knowing full well that you will not be implementing it.

If you’re lucky enough to live amongst people with incredibly unique insight, as I am, you may have people giving Mubarak/ congratulating you on your son’s circumcision because apparently that is also a thing in these parts.

NB: If there are any entrepreneurs reading this, there is a potential business opportunity for you:
‘Congratulations, you’ve been circumcised!’ greeting cards.

 

10) “Schedule screen time.”

THEORY: You should limit the amount of time your child(ren) spend in front of a TV and electronic devices. The best way to ensure this happens is to schedule a part of the day that allows for this or have a specific length of time in mind and do not let them exceed it.

REALITY: PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Our house was recently infested with a flu, sickness and diarrhoea (what a silly spelling) mother of all bugs. Whilst in the process of watching Frozen for the 150th time, I was left with 2 options: I either slit my wrists and end the misery or channel the misery into something creative. I chose the latter and rewrote the lyrics to the now loathsome song Let It Go.

The snot grows green like kryptonite,
Mountains of tissue can be seen,
A house with poorly children,
I could do with morphine.

The sofa has vomit on the top and down the side,
They couldn’t keep it in,
Not that they tried

I want to eat,
I want to sleep,
I want to be alone when I pee,
I’ll go relieve,
Won’t let them know,
They’ll never let me go!

Let it go, let it go,
Can’t hold it in anymore,
Let it go, Let it go,
I’ll ignore the slams on the door,
I don’t care
If I cut your toast the wrong way,
I’ll take my time,
You’re just going to throw it up any.

It’s funny how much mucous
Can come out of one so small,
And the face that mesmerised me
Is now the grossest thing of all.

It’s time to see
If I can do
(Between cleaning bums with runny poo)
The vacuum, the dishes, the laundry,
Stop wiping your nose on your sleeve!

Let it go, let it go,
Don’t bother seeing the GP,
Let it go, let it go,
“It’s just a virus” obviously!
They’ve looked like hell
And screamed all day,
But will make a sudden recovery,
And I’ll look like I made it up anyway!

Not long ago, the fixed term on our mortgage was due to expire and we had arranged for a mortgage broker to come to our house to discuss our options. The gentleman was very friendly and perfectly pleasant, and I don’t know whether it was the sight of an obviously Muslim couple (man with a beard down to his armpits/woman wearing a headscarf and a sleeping bag) that made him uncomfortable or whether he was just one of those people that try so hard to make conversation that they forget to think about what they’re saying, but he just kept saying the most ridiculous things. After he left, my husband and I had a good laugh about it (yes, contrary to popular belief, Muslims do laugh about things; even the multilayered beardy ones), so I thought I would make a compilation of all the comedy gems he came out with.

NB: As I am still a blogging novice, I don’t know what the correct etiquette is about naming people on blogs and I can’t actually remember the name of the aforementioned mortgage broker, but for the sake of not writing mortgage broker (which I’m not even sure is his title) multiple times and, in line with making assumptions based on racial stereotypes, I will call him Bob Smith or BS for short – see what I did there?

1) “Have you been to Manchester and seen all the different curries you can get from the Curry Mile?”

When my new pal BS said this, I found it hard to keep a straight face. He literally said it as soon as he walked through the door. As he was clearly trying hard to make conversation, I didn’t think it was fair to say anything to him, but the very idea that he saw two Asian people and thought that the only way he could put them at ease was by discussing all the curries available in Manchester was hilarious.

Yes, curries are eaten in a lot of South Asian households (and probably not as much as you think), but it’s not a particularly interesting topic of conversation and we are capable of talking about, and eating, other things too. It’s like when the fire-safety people were doing checks in our area one morning and, like the classy girl that I am, I had just finished eating the English delicacy that is beans on toast. He sniffed the air and asked, “Have you been frying samosas?” The two things don’t even have a similar smell, but if it wasn’t curry that he could smell then naturally it must have been samosas!

2) “You have a boy! Yay for you!”

When BS arrived, I was on my way to put our then newborn son down for a nap. When I returned, he asked if the baby I had been carrying was a boy or a girl. After being told it was a boy, he celebrated on our behalf, as though, because we are Asian, we must have been longing for a boy after having had a girl. I’m surprised he didn’t ask us if we were tempted to bury our daughter alive in the desert when she was born. Yes, centuries ago, and perhaps still in remote, poverty-stricken parts of the world, boys were coveted more than girls for tribal and financial reasons, but, surprisingly enough, the love I have for my children is not determined by their genitals.

3)“How good is your written English?” 

He was only asking me to sign a few forms. Even the very eldest members of our community who don’t speak a word of English other than “Fucking bastar” know how to write that much, whereas I had been talking to this man for the past hour!

It reminded me of an incident when I was on placement during my PGCE. It was my first week so I was just shadowing the teachers of the classes I would be taking over. The TA was a little late to this one particular lesson, so wasn’t present when I had been introduced to the class. After the teacher had set the task for the class, the TA came up to me and asked me to write my full name on a piece of paper, which I assumed she needed for her own records and so happily obliged. She then gave me the worksheet that the rest of the class were working on and began to instruct me on how to fill it in before asking, “Can you speak any English at all?” When I explained that I was a PGCE student, we both laughed and I didn’t think too much of it, but it later occurred to me that it didn’t make sense, on any level, for her to assume what she did.

Granted, the genuinely confused look on my face and my enthusiastic compliance to write my name on what turned out to be an attendance register, combined with the fact that I can imagine that I looked terrified (it was one of those classes that you see on TV and think As if kids actually behave like that at school), probably didn’t help matters, but I was 24 at the time. I am a little overweight and have a generally haggard appearance, which means that when I tell people my age I’m often met with the response, “You look older than that!” Why anyone thinks it’s a good idea to tell someone that is  beyond me, but the point I am trying to make is that it was impossible to mistake me for a 14-year-old and the only other time someone did that was when I was 10!

I am not badmouthing the TA in any way – she was an entirely harmless and amicable person, but sometimes the stereotypes some people have of Asian women, particularly those wearing headscarves, are so engrained in their thinking that when they see a 24-year-old one that’s professionally dressed and taking notes sitting at the front of a class because she’s training to be an English teacher, they would happily assume she is a Year 9 unaccompanied child refugee that doesn’t speak English before ever thinking that she might just be there in a professional capacity.

4)“You’re probably related, aren’t you?”

I can’t give BS the credit for this one, but felt I had to include it. My daughter has issues with her eyes so we have regular appointments with the ophthalmologists at the hospital. Our latest appointment was with the consultant who was enquiring about my daughter’s medical history at the end of the consultation and, while I am laughing about it now, I found him massively irritating at the time. I’m not even going to provide a commentary for this – the conversation speaks for itself:
Consultant: Does anyone in your family have this condition?
Me: There’s no one in my family, but I think a few of my husband’s cousins have similar issues.
Consultant: Is your husband your cousin?
Me: No, we’re…
Consultant: But you’re probably related though, aren’t you?
Me: No, he…
Consultant: But you’ve got family links. That explains it, as these things tend to be genetic so it makes sense that it would be in the family. Anyway, I’ll send you a follow-up appointment for three months time. See you then!
Me: Bye!
[smiles insincerely and leaves the room mumbling, ‘His husband is probably his cousin! That explains how socially impaired people like him find someone to marry, as it makes sense that they need to keep it in the family too! What a silly man! Arse!’]

Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood. One day, her mum said, “Please can you go upstairs and give this tray of toasted soldiers, extra-strong pain killers and a pint of squash to your dad? He has a cold.”

Little Red Riding Hood thought this was strange, as everyone else in the house was poorly too, but wasn’t getting anywhere near as much attention, but, being a good little girl, she did as she was told. She was on her way, when she spotted a large, dishevelled creature wearing little boys’ pyjamas, chuckling at something he was reading on his phone. Upon seeing Little Red Riding Hood, the creature spontaneously burst into a fit of coughs, seamlessly pulled out a tissue from his sleeve and held it to his nose, before hobbling into the bedroom like Quasimodo.

Little Red Riding Hood knocked on the door.

“Come in, dear,” came the frail sounding reply.

Little Red Riding Hood placed the tray at the foot of the bed and then examined the creature in the bed, soon realising it was her dad.

“Daddy, what big eyes you have!”

“All the better for rolling them at your mum while I’m sulking and feeling sorry for myself, my dear.”

“Daddy, what a big nose you have!”

“All the better to sniff with every time someone tries to talk to me, just in case they don’t realise how ill I am, my dear.”

“Daddy, what big ears you have!”

“All the better to hear everything that’s going on, but pretend that I am so ill that I have no idea about anything that is being said or done, my dear”

“Daddy, what big hands you have!”

“All the better to check my ‘swollen glands’ every five minutes, my dear.”

“And Daddy, what big teeth you have!”

“All the better for reluctantly chewing on food that was made at my request, so I can feel hard done by when it doesn’t taste as good as when my mum makes it, my dear.”

And with that, Little Red Riding Hood’s furious mother barged into the room, red in the face and out of breath.

“Mama, what a big axe you have!”

“All the better to cut off your dad’s man bits once he actually finds them, my dear.”

THE END.